By Abishek Agarwal
I love trying different coffee places. As I walk up to the counter to place my order, what was once a feeling of anticipation and dread has since given way to a newfound curiosity. How will this barista respond to stuttering? I am not worried about their reactions impacting me- it doesn’t anymore! Rather, I am on the lookout for cues, both verbal and non-verbal, which shed light into what they are experiencing in the moment of stuttering. I go in excitedly, thinking to myself, “Have they experienced stuttering before or am I about to pop their cherry?”
So what are my observations? Well, some patiently wait for me to complete, some look confused with an underlying expression that politely screams “Sir, we have a line!”, some think I am weird (that may have less to do with stuttering and more to do with my eccentric choice of a flat white – no foam please!). Some, having anticipated what I am about to order, try to complete my words, and some look me in the eyes with a sense of curiosity, trying to understand what is going on.
I find all these reactions very fascinating. Think about it from the listener’s perspective. They are going about their regular day and suddenly BAMM! You hit them with your powerful stutter. Would they ever have thought they would experience something new, something different today? Probably not! My stutter introduced some novelty in their day. It broke the monotony of a standard conversation and made it far more interesting than it usually is. Zoom out, and you will see this is what stuttering does in conversations everywhere. We, the 1%, are out here injecting novelty into everyday interactions and making them more human, more memorable.
And here’s the thing. All of that novelty, all of that richness in human interaction, only exists because stuttering is unpredictable. Trying to control it takes away the inherent authenticity and erects barriers in the way of open stuttering. When all is said and done, open stuttering is very much an exercise of letting go of control. While this primarily applies to the stutterer, it
wouldn’t hurt if listeners and bystanders co-adopted it as well. What do I mean?
When I started ARTS, I promptly added my best friend to the stuttering box. I told him about how I do not want him to jump in and speak for me. When we used to go out to eat, he would watch me stutter my way through the order (because I would insist on ordering!). I could tell that he felt uncomfortable with listener reactions and his instinct was to take control of the situation and speak up. But my directions were crystal clear, and he had to restrain himself – he had to let go of control!
One of the listener reactions listed above, which is unfortunately common, is completing the words. While this can be frustrating, I have come to view it through a different lens. The lens of control. The listeners might not have experience with stuttering and could be motivated by a sense of control- get the order in, get the line moving, and get everyone going about their day.
Control isn’t a bad thing per se. From a historical perspective, evolution demanded that we get control of tricky situations in order to survive and thrive. However, the demands of the modern world and accessible technological innovations have shaped this behavior to become second nature. We, humans, spend so much of our lives trying to control every aspect of it that we forget how unpredictable life really is. In an instance, our lives could change drastically- for better or worse, entirely through outside forces. When we forget this and encounter situations outside of our control, we are left frustrated. And maybe this is why stuttering can feel frustrating. Stuttering serves as a reminder; it is a microcosm of the fact that we are not always in control.
So while our incessant obsession with chasing control is rooted in something deeper, when it comes to stuttering, this is an exercise in futility. It is not a bad idea for all of us to let go of control a bit – the speaker letting go of control over their stutter, and the listeners letting go of trying to control the conversation.
Life is unpredictable. Stuttering just makes it obvious!
Visit Abishek’s blog: https://stuttershift.com/